What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 07:39
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it wasn’t much.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
How could Trump, with his deplorable garbage supporters, manage to win an election?
I write beautiful poetry .
Im still living with it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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All the time i was locked up.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why are you a Muslim? Why is it Islam for you and not something else?
I have no regrets .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So whats the point in blame.
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ive learnt so much.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He resisted the act ,that day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I said to her
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was in good health!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What did i know ?
I never cut or harmed myself..
When she asked me how she looked .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Put me off passion for life!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I waited trembling.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot live in the past .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She loved him until the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was seconnd youngest,
I think the readers, may guess!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was scared of men, in general
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Would this be the day?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But ive been too sick for many years..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i lived it daily.
My family never makes their pension either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My life is so biszare .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
This is soul school!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I don,t even have a pension.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It was going to be , some day.
She married twice! .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I could never make a relationship work though!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So, i spoilt her more .
But, we were locked up after school.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She found it foreign!.
Comes on , in middle age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She wouldn,t have been !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Who then, do I blame.?
He knew the spot.
I was 9 years of age.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We were not on the streets..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We all went to grammer schools
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I will be 64.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.